Statistically, you are more likely to get a divorce than change your bank account. That is a genuinely depressing fact I read once, and after spending a decade dealing with the absolute state of UK banking, I can see why. Most people would rather navigate a messy legal separation than sit through another three-hour phone queue with a ‘customer service representative’ in a call center three hundred miles away.
I’ve had accounts with almost everyone. Barclays, HSBC, Monzo, Starling, Chase, First Direct—you name it, I’ve probably got a dusty debit card for it at the back of my bedside drawer. And honestly? Most of them are rubbish. Not ‘slightly inconvenient’ rubbish, but ‘actively making your life worse’ rubbish. We get so used to the friction that we stop noticing it. A bank account is like a pair of shoes you wear every day; if there’s a pebble in the heel, you just learn to limp until you forget what walking normally feels like.
The great ‘High Street’ delusion
I have a visceral, almost irrational hatred for Barclays. I know people will disagree with me here—my dad has used them since 1984 and thinks they’re fine—but I refuse to recommend them to anyone. In 2019, I was trying to buy a second-hand car in a cold car park in Leeds. I needed to move £4,000. Barclays decided that was the perfect moment to demand I use one of those plastic ‘PIN sentry’ card readers. You know, the little calculators that look like they came out of a cereal box? I didn’t have it on me because I was in a car park in Leeds, not in my home office. I spent 55 minutes on the phone, freezing, while a guy named Steve told me there was ‘nothing he could do.’ I ended up having to take a train home, get the stupid plastic box, and go back the next day. I closed the account that week. Absolute rubbish.
The big four—Barclays, HSBC, Lloyds, NatWest—are all basically the same. They are clunky, legacy-code monsters wearing a suit. Their apps are getting better, sure, but the DNA is still ‘how can we make this as bureaucratic as possible?’ I tracked my time in October and found I spent 142 minutes on hold with Lloyds across three separate calls just to change an address. Life is too short for that.
If a bank still requires you to visit a branch to do anything other than deposit a literal bag of coins, it shouldn’t exist in 2024.
Monzo, Starling, and the trap of the pretty interface
Then you have the ‘challengers.’ I used to be a total Monzo evangelist. I loved the hot coral card. I loved the little ‘ping’ when you buy a coffee. But lately? Monzo feels like it’s desperately trying to sell me a payday loan every time I open the app. The UI is cluttered with ‘Monzo Flex’ and ‘Borrowing’ and ‘Upgrade to Premium.’ It’s gone from being a tool to being a shop. What I mean is—actually, let me put it differently. It feels like the app is constantly shouting at me.
I might be wrong about this, but I think Starling is the ‘grown-up’ version of Monzo. It’s boring. It’s stable. The app doesn’t try to be your friend. It just works. I’ve used Starling for my business banking for three years and I haven’t had to speak to a human once. That is the highest compliment I can pay a bank. No ‘pings,’ no weird social features, just a list of what I spent. Simple.
One thing though: I once got stranded in a pub in Manchester because Chase’s app went down during a ‘scheduled’ update that was definitely not scheduled on the user end. I had no physical card because I’m one of those idiots who relies on Apple Pay. I had to wait 40 minutes for the app to come back online so I could see my balance and pay for a pint of Neck Oil. It was embarrassing. Always carry a backup card from a different bank. Always.
The £200 switching bribe is a scam (mostly)
Every few months, NatWest or Santander will offer you £175 or £200 to switch. Don’t do it. Unless you are literally starving, your time is worth more than the eight hours of admin and potential direct debit failures you’ll face. I tried to ‘churn’ bank accounts for bonuses back in 2021. I made about £600 over the year but I also nearly missed a council tax payment because the ‘Current Account Switch Service’ didn’t pick up a specific reference number. The stress of getting a letter from the council isn’t worth a free dinner at Wagamama.
Anyway, I’m getting off track. I was looking at Japanese fountain pens the other day—the Pilot Metropolitan is incredible for the price—but I digress. Back to banking.
What I’m actually doing with my money right now
If you want my actual, non-polished recommendation based on years of frustration, here is the setup I use. It’s not perfect, but it’s the least painful.
- Daily Spending: Starling. The app is clean, the support is fast, and they don’t treat you like a gambling addict every time you want to see your balance.
- Savings/Bills: Santander Edge. I know, I just complained about big banks, but the 1% cashback on bills actually adds up to about £10-£15 a month for me. It pays for my Spotify.
- Customer Service: First Direct. They are the only bank where a human picks up the phone in under 30 seconds. They don’t have fancy branches, but they have competent people.
I know people rave about Revolut, but I refuse to use them as a main account. They aren’t even a fully licensed UK bank yet (or at least, they weren’t for the longest time, and the vibes are just… off). I don’t trust my mortgage money with a company that feels like a tech startup run by guys who drink too much Huel. I’m probably being unfair, but that’s my take.
The truth is, there is no ‘best’ bank. There is only the bank that annoys you the least. For me, that’s Starling for the tech and First Direct for when things inevitably go wrong. Everything else is just noise and marketing fluff designed to make you feel like your debit card is a lifestyle choice. It’s not. It’s a pipe for your money. You just want a pipe that doesn’t leak.
I still haven’t figured out why we can’t just have one account that does everything well. Is it actually that hard to build a good app and have good phone support? Maybe it is. I genuinely don’t know.
Go with Starling. Don’t look back.
